It is a new year. A new chapter. My 42nd new chapter to be exact.
Honestly, it scares the crap out of me to begin again. The hope that always accompanies the beginning of something new is faint this January. I am left wondering if I have what it takes to make it through another year. Do I dare move ahead into 2016?
Because unlike Chapter 21, I no longer hope I can change it all in just one year.
Unlike Chapter 33, I no longer hope this will be the perfect year.
Every one of my previous 41 chapters has been a mix of “way to go” and WTF. I now know this year will be the best one and the worst one yet because they all are.
Life always comes up with unexpected pauses and direction changes that either leave me stuck in mucky waters or flying euphorically through the sky. I have learned I will never have a year when I reach every goal or mange to live in constant joy, nor will I have a year where everything goes awry. My years are always a mix of the two.
It was with this knowledge that I had a hard time saying goodbye to 2015. I had survived all the pauses and direction changes 2015 contained; and I had finally returned to a comfortable coast by December. I really want to stay in my relaxed coast a little longer, maybe forever. However time does not stand still, time marches on. It isn’t like I really have a choice. So here I am coasting along in this new year but nervous about what is ahead.
Then it hits me, fear is holding me back from hoping this new year will be different. Darn you fear for always showing up just when I think I have you beat.
So I think back to a few weeks ago when I realized scared has all the same letters as sacred. The flip of a “c” changes fright to reverence; fear to hope.
So 2016 is the chapter I begin where I am; where I give a gentle nod to the fear lurking in the shadows, but not allow it into the driver’s seat of my life. Instead, I will recognize with a change of perspective I can go from scared to sacred; fear to hope.
In the middle of the pauses and direction changes ahead, I will just flip that c.