It’s Probably Not Cancer…And Other Phrases From My Week.

I have taken a break from writing this week because…I needed a break.


On Monday, I was planning my next blog post about my favorite soup recipe; because it is fall what is better than soup on cold days?  But, on Monday, I was told by my doctor that I “probably don’t have cancer.”  I didn’t think I did have cancer, so the fact that I probably didn’t meant there was a chance I probably could have cancer and that was a surprise.

This is not the first time I have had a doctor say this phrase to me.  I think they mean it to be helpful, like when my husband said “I love a woman with a little meat on her bones” or when my mother said “you probably will survive raising three teenagers” (note, and then she laughed with glee).


Dear Doctors everywhere,

The phrase “it’s probably not cancer” is not helpful.  Not ever.  Never.   I have spent two days I didn’t have getting nothing done while I prepare for all the worse case scenarios, all the while reassuring everyone in my life that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about.  Plus going to and planning for all your expensive tests.  It is exhausting.  Then I spend two more days napping to recover from the exhaustion.  I am too busy as a mother of three to spend a week on your careless choice of words.  I appreciate your concern.  I do.  Send me for the tests, just don’t say what they are probably not going to find.


Also, the doctors took away my coffee.  Apparently something about my heart not beating correctly.  I cannot even.  First they take my bread, then red wine, then sugar and now coffee. I have three children.  Trump and Clinton are running for president.  Coffee is all I have left to get out of bed in the morning (sorry sweet husband).  I cannot stop yawning.  How do people even function without the elixir of life?  How am I suppose to get middle and high schoolers up and going at 5:45 am without the jolt of caffeine?  I am not sure I need a heart that badly; but I do need coffee.  I looked right at the doctors and said, “You are joking, right?” They weren’t.  Honestly, coffee I miss you so.


To top it off, today was World War Z.  My middle child is stubborn.  Not as stubborn as me, but close.  Today we had a stand off over pants.  “Because I said so” might have been uttered from my lips.  Today was a day I was not in the mood for negotiations or battles of will (headaches from lack of caffeine are killer).  I just said so, damn it, so do it. That doesn’t seem to work with 12 year olds.  The middle one was all for serious negotiations and an all out battle of wills.  In the end, he lost.  I am more stubborn even without coffee.  As his price for war, he arrived at school 90 minutes late with few less privileges and a better attitude whether he liked it or not.  My take away, I did some pretty tough parenting without any coffee and nobody died, least of all me.  All around, I might be actually be winning at life without coffee.  Who knew?

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